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BERT & ERNIE
Posted by
PEGASUS
(VIP) 20 Jun 2004 3:14pm
Just after dinner one night, my son came up
to tell me there was 'something wrong' with
one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner
in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best hamster-healer statement on
my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what
to do. 'Honey,' I called, ' Come look at the hamster!'
'Oh, my gosh,' my wife diagnosed after a minute.
'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought
we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused
my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?'
she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,'
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is
going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. 'We're
about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'OH, Gross!', they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little hamster babies?' my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug...It disappeared.
I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern
here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what
she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a c-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my
son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This hamster is not in
labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.'
'What!?'
'You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they
come into maturity, like most male species, they um....er....
mast_rbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He
blushed, glancing at my wife.
'Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.' We were silent,
absorbing this.
'So Ernie's just... just... Excited?', my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood...
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little...' she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly
bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,' he
told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks
Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
Mental picture of your hubby pulling on the hamster's little 'thingie'....Priceless!
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